Being Present

That's the real challenge, isn't it? It's so easy to live in the past or in the future, but to truly live in the present is incredibly challenging. And even when we do manage to live in the present apathy is the next challenge to overcome.

Jesus calls us to be fully present. He calls us to cast all of our regret of the past and worries for the future on Him and simply be in this moment with Him. It's an amazing offer. It's an offer of real life and the presence of God. So the question is, why is it so hard?

Christ meets us exactly where we are. And I am dying to embrace Him, be it in joy or sorrow, wholeness or longing, rebuilding or in being torn down- I want nothing more than to simply spend this moment with Him. So why can't I?

Perhaps

Alright- I'm done being a little brat now. I'm back to being a(n almost) grown up and simply incredibly excited I have this possibility in front of me. Yeah I have absolutely no idea what is in my future and yeah I have to go back to being patient- but I have a real, legitimate chance to go realize my dream. That's pretty darn neat. And I'm pretty darn excited.

I'm also incredibly grateful for the encouragement I've been given today. I love and appreciate them dearly, but all the people I spoke with yesterday were incredibly practical people. And as much as I know that I need practicality- today I need to be the incredibly unrealistic, ridiculously hopeful Annie Mae.

Jen, our youth pastor, brought up a really good point- you pray and then it's done. Then you give thanks because you know God will provide. That's it. So if I'm praying that God shows where I'm being called and where I can serve best this summer if that is in Africa then it's done and I need to trust that.

It's really amazing how provocative (and fitting) the song "Wedding Dress" has been this week.
"So could you love this bastard child
Though I don't trust you to provide"
How can I profess to have faith but not trust in in the Lord to provide? How can I throw myself into serving God if I don't trust where he is leading me? I guess it is time to fall even further into grace, to start truly trusting. It is Holy Week after all- If at any God's plan needed to be trusted, it's this week. Jesus is about to be brutally murdered, but he has to trust that through his death he can conquer death.

Very Funny God

I was prepared for a "no" and hoping for a "yes" but "alternate" never even crossed my mind.

The thing is- I know God is laughing right now. Or, more accurately, he is chuckling because he thinks he's so darn funny.... which he is and I would admit if I weren't too busy being a sore loser.

I've been waiting for weeks to hear back about this Global Justice Volunteers position. I have been trying so hard to be patient (which worked really well until I Friday) but since then I've been driving myself crazy waiting for an answer. As promised I got one- it just happened to be completely inconclusive. But that's such a God thing to do- isn't it? When I run out of patience God gives me an answer, but the answer is to be patient a little longer.

Usually I don't have any problem with uncertainty- actually I usually quite enjoy it. I wonder why this time is so different. Maybe it's because I actually care about this. Maybe it's because I'm scared. Maybe it's some combination of the two. Whatever it is rest assured I will not be resting soundly for quite a while.

So who knows? Three months from now I may blogging from Africa or I may be blogging from this very bed.

For now I'll take this. I realize that suffering and waiting are not nearly the same thing- but for today they are close enough.

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, for we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us."
Romans 5:1-5

Compromise

I'm terrified to grow up. I know we all are. And I know that conventional wisdom says that I'll get over it. But I won't, because I'm a different kind of terrified, or so I'd like to believe.

Because really, what is there to look forward to about growing up? I will grow up into another middle class American who goes to a nice little church on Sundays, has a nice house in the suburbs, a nice little family, teaches at a nice suburban school, drives a nice car and has lots of nice little dreams about what life could've been. We'll sit around and reminisce about "the good ol' days" when everything seemed possible. And while we're laughing I'll take a moment to remember how much the world once had to offer, what it felt like when I believed I could change the world before the world beat that out of me and I'll realize I hate what I've become. Of course I'll love my family and (I imagine) still love teaching, but there will be that nagging feeling that this didn't turn out the way it was meant to- that life was meant to be something so much more. And that ultimately, I'd compromised.

Because what I really want is not this world. Like everyone else I'm torn and imperfect and conflicted- part of me does still like the idea of the "American dream." Part of me wants to grow up into that nice stable life. But I know that I'd never really be happy in it, in fact I'm sure I'd be miserable. I don't want what the world is offering. All I want is grace.

I am restless and naive and unrealistic and utterly ridiculous and crazy and I know that. Trust me, you don't have to tell me anymore, I already know. But that is exactly what I need to be.

It's a slippery slope though, and I'm scared. I'm scared of those days I wake up and say "you know, I just don't have the energy to do this today," and that those sort of days will pile up until I realize that I've given in to the world- I've "grown up" like everyone else. That I've walked away not just from my dreams, but from God's call.

Lovers Less Wild

"So could you love this bastard child
though I don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that I would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood"
"Wedding Dress" Derek Webb

Grace is not cheap. And as we move through Holy Week its really easy to think it is, to skip right to Easter-but this grace comes at an unfathomable cost. We don't like to talk about the hard stuff- but this week we need to. This week we have to confront the reality that the grace we live on was bought with the blood of our Savior. Not some metaphorical, abstract blood- the real gory blood. The real agonizing pain. The real tears of Jesus.

For that infinitely expensive grace- what do we give? Do we ever really trust? love? follow?

Do we deserve this grace? I don't.

As much as I'd like to believe otherwise- if I were with Jesus this week, I would've walked away just like the disciples. I want to say that I am better and strong than that- but I know I'm not. I can go to all the church services this week and I can fast, but I will never deserve this grace. I will alway be that bastard child- and every single day that I live I will be the reason for Jesus' death.

Eternal Life Remix

Richard Dahlstrom blew me away today. I have heard a lot of sermons/lectures/thoughts on Luke 18:18-25, but Dahlstrom raises an important (and typically over looked) question- what is eternal life? Some sort of after life, right? I certainly think of that, and I (and Dahlstrom) would venture to guess most people do as well. But Dahlstrom says that the after life isn't the kind of eternal life Jesus is getting at.

The eternal life Jesus is giving us is a life right here and now that is eternal. That we are able to live a life that is eternal because we have a life that is regenerative. Wow.

Though I deeply believe that Jesus came to give us life before, not just after death (I have to admit I stole that phrase nearly directly from Shane Claiborne) and that we are able to transform the world we live in bringing the kingdom of God to earth, Dahlstrom's idea just blew me away. Eternal life is such a power concept, but can also seem like such a distant idea. The idea that the life we are living right now, at this very moment and not just some future life can be eternal is astounding.

Ruach Elohim

I was walking across the Washington Avenue bridge today and something really hit me. Maybe it's because now that it's daylight's saving time I was walking into the sunset, maybe it's because it is starting to feel like spring or maybe it's because I have so my to process from yesterday and this morning. Whatever it was, for the first time in much too long I noticed the wind. I definitely have noticed the wind chill the past couple of weeks, but it has been a very long time since I've noticed it otherwise.

The Hebrew word used for Genesis that has been translated into our Bibles as "spirit" is the same word that is used for wind. The first image of God in the Bible is of wind, of motion, of restlessness. All through the scriptures, God is restless. God is never letting the world be, even when things may be going reasonably well. God is not about to settle for anything less than the world being an embodiment of his divine love.

Feeling the wind this afternoon I realized how long it has been since I have truly appreciated something as beautiful. How long since I have experienced something so powerful I've gotten goosebumps. How long it has been since I've been honest with myself.

For months I've been incredibly restless and felt as if I have no where to go with it. Of course, my restlessness only grew. I became so incredibly frustrated. So, like all of my brilliant plans that end up failing, I decided to ignore it in hopes that I would wake up one morning and not be restless anymore (well, the quasi-hope because my greatest fear is that very thought). Obviously and thankfully, that plan didn't work out so well.

My restlessness drives me absolutely crazy. But in reality, it is exactly what is keeping me from going crazy.

Do not fear, for I am your God

It's hard for me to believe that tomorrow (or perhaps today by the time I've finished writing this) is the last Sunday of Lent. Ash Wednesday seems like just days ago, rather than many weeks ago. At the beginning of this journey I chose a word to see me through Lent, and tied a ribbon to my wrist to keep it with me.

In retrospect, this has been a time of deep healing. The beginning of Lent count not have been better timed- it began right as my grandparents' health problems and my family life as a whole imploded.

The call during the first week of Lent saying that the doctors thought my grandpa might not make it completely broadsided me. The one thing I was completely unequipped to deal with was suddenly brought to the forefront of my life. Not only that, I was also fighting to keep the family from falling apart. The problem was I was falling apart and moreover absolutely beyond the point terrified.

But Tyler brought up an interesting facet of fear. Fear is always based on the future, the what if. Fear is never grounded in the present. "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love" (2 Tim 1:7). So, in the words of Tyler, I chose to do everything in my power to "curl up into the fetal position." The word I chose for lent before this even began ended up being exactly what I have relied on for the past five weeks- Grace. Difficult was it is, I decided to fall into grace, rather than into fear.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

There has been a whole lot of healing (physically and emotionally) for my family and I this Lent. But Biblically speaking, 40 days is a time of preparation and though I've made progress as we're nearing the end of lent I have no idea what I have been prepared for. I made a decision to put my family first and I am incredibly glad that I did. Now that that is no longer a necessity and I've had a chance to catch my breath I realize I have no idea where I am headed. But alas, the 40 days aren't over just yet, who knows what may happen before then (especially after Shane Claiborne kicks my butt some more this Monday). A new direction may be coming yet.

A Preface

I have to preface this whole experiment by saying I have a feeling it may be a bad idea. Taken at face value this (throwing all of my spiritual ponderings onto the internet for the world to read) isn't such a great idea. However, I realize that I am missing certain aspects of accountability in my life. Scriptural study and journaling are two things I really need to work on and in the absence of a community to keep me accountable I figure this is, if nothing else, a good way to remain accountable to myself.

I'll say right now that my faith is truly a journey and constantly transforming. A few months from now I'm sure I'll eat many of my words as I continue to wrestle with the gospels- but don't we all?