It's hard for me to believe that tomorrow (or perhaps today by the time I've finished writing this) is the last Sunday of Lent. Ash Wednesday seems like just days ago, rather than many weeks ago. At the beginning of this journey I chose a word to see me through Lent, and tied a ribbon to my wrist to keep it with me.
In retrospect, this has been a time of deep healing. The beginning of Lent count not have been better timed- it began right as my grandparents' health problems and my family life as a whole imploded.
The call during the first week of Lent saying that the doctors thought my grandpa might not make it completely broadsided me. The one thing I was completely unequipped to deal with was suddenly brought to the forefront of my life. Not only that, I was also fighting to keep the family from falling apart. The problem was I was falling apart and moreover absolutely beyond the point terrified.
But Tyler brought up an interesting facet of fear. Fear is always based on the future, the what if. Fear is never grounded in the present. "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love" (2 Tim 1:7). So, in the words of Tyler, I chose to do everything in my power to "curl up into the fetal position." The word I chose for lent before this even began ended up being exactly what I have relied on for the past five weeks- Grace. Difficult was it is, I decided to fall into grace, rather than into fear.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
There has been a whole lot of healing (physically and emotionally) for my family and I this Lent. But Biblically speaking, 40 days is a time of preparation and though I've made progress as we're nearing the end of lent I have no idea what I have been prepared for. I made a decision to put my family first and I am incredibly glad that I did. Now that that is no longer a necessity and I've had a chance to catch my breath I realize I have no idea where I am headed. But alas, the 40 days aren't over just yet, who knows what may happen before then (especially after Shane Claiborne kicks my butt some more this Monday). A new direction may be coming yet.
- Annie Mae
- I'm back from Sierra Leone and trying to make sense of it all. I am asking some big questions- what is justice? what is mercy? where are they in the world?- hopefully you'll come wrestle with them too.
1 comment:
I find a great deal of irony that you used this scripture today of all weeks.
I know only one Bible verse by Name and number, but it is of great comfort to me. I chose to include in the readings of the life celebration of my father, my brother, and soon my mother.
It is Isaiah 41:10.
March 9 marked ten years since it was used in one of those services. March 11 marked 42 years to the day that my angry dance with God began.
I release a balloon each year at sunset to remember the day, and I have always written "Isiah 41:10" on the balloons. As I prepared to release the balloons this year, I realized I have finally come to peace with these passings.
With more life celebration services ahead of me than I care to imagine this year, I added a new message to the balloon to remind myself that everything is going to be all right.
The inscription is not biblical, but a very spiritual warrior has made me feel the power of the message, and humming it in my head helps calm me in times when I sense I could become overwhelmed. I wrote "No woman, No cry."
Herdad
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