Alright- I'm done being a little brat now. I'm back to being a(n almost) grown up and simply incredibly excited I have this possibility in front of me. Yeah I have absolutely no idea what is in my future and yeah I have to go back to being patient- but I have a real, legitimate chance to go realize my dream. That's pretty darn neat. And I'm pretty darn excited.
I'm also incredibly grateful for the encouragement I've been given today. I love and appreciate them dearly, but all the people I spoke with yesterday were incredibly practical people. And as much as I know that I need practicality- today I need to be the incredibly unrealistic, ridiculously hopeful Annie Mae.
Jen, our youth pastor, brought up a really good point- you pray and then it's done. Then you give thanks because you know God will provide. That's it. So if I'm praying that God shows where I'm being called and where I can serve best this summer if that is in Africa then it's done and I need to trust that.
It's really amazing how provocative (and fitting) the song "Wedding Dress" has been this week.
"So could you love this bastard child
Though I don't trust you to provide"
How can I profess to have faith but not trust in in the Lord to provide? How can I throw myself into serving God if I don't trust where he is leading me? I guess it is time to fall even further into grace, to start truly trusting. It is Holy Week after all- If at any God's plan needed to be trusted, it's this week. Jesus is about to be brutally murdered, but he has to trust that through his death he can conquer death.
19.3.08
18.3.08
Very Funny God
I was prepared for a "no" and hoping for a "yes" but "alternate" never even crossed my mind.
The thing is- I know God is laughing right now. Or, more accurately, he is chuckling because he thinks he's so darn funny.... which he is and I would admit if I weren't too busy being a sore loser.
I've been waiting for weeks to hear back about this Global Justice Volunteers position. I have been trying so hard to be patient (which worked really well until I Friday) but since then I've been driving myself crazy waiting for an answer. As promised I got one- it just happened to be completely inconclusive. But that's such a God thing to do- isn't it? When I run out of patience God gives me an answer, but the answer is to be patient a little longer.
Usually I don't have any problem with uncertainty- actually I usually quite enjoy it. I wonder why this time is so different. Maybe it's because I actually care about this. Maybe it's because I'm scared. Maybe it's some combination of the two. Whatever it is rest assured I will not be resting soundly for quite a while.
So who knows? Three months from now I may blogging from Africa or I may be blogging from this very bed.
For now I'll take this. I realize that suffering and waiting are not nearly the same thing- but for today they are close enough.
"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, for we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us."
Romans 5:1-5
The thing is- I know God is laughing right now. Or, more accurately, he is chuckling because he thinks he's so darn funny.... which he is and I would admit if I weren't too busy being a sore loser.
I've been waiting for weeks to hear back about this Global Justice Volunteers position. I have been trying so hard to be patient (which worked really well until I Friday) but since then I've been driving myself crazy waiting for an answer. As promised I got one- it just happened to be completely inconclusive. But that's such a God thing to do- isn't it? When I run out of patience God gives me an answer, but the answer is to be patient a little longer.
Usually I don't have any problem with uncertainty- actually I usually quite enjoy it. I wonder why this time is so different. Maybe it's because I actually care about this. Maybe it's because I'm scared. Maybe it's some combination of the two. Whatever it is rest assured I will not be resting soundly for quite a while.
So who knows? Three months from now I may blogging from Africa or I may be blogging from this very bed.
For now I'll take this. I realize that suffering and waiting are not nearly the same thing- but for today they are close enough.
"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, for we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us."
Romans 5:1-5
17.3.08
Compromise
I'm terrified to grow up. I know we all are. And I know that conventional wisdom says that I'll get over it. But I won't, because I'm a different kind of terrified, or so I'd like to believe.
Because really, what is there to look forward to about growing up? I will grow up into another middle class American who goes to a nice little church on Sundays, has a nice house in the suburbs, a nice little family, teaches at a nice suburban school, drives a nice car and has lots of nice little dreams about what life could've been. We'll sit around and reminisce about "the good ol' days" when everything seemed possible. And while we're laughing I'll take a moment to remember how much the world once had to offer, what it felt like when I believed I could change the world before the world beat that out of me and I'll realize I hate what I've become. Of course I'll love my family and (I imagine) still love teaching, but there will be that nagging feeling that this didn't turn out the way it was meant to- that life was meant to be something so much more. And that ultimately, I'd compromised.
Because what I really want is not this world. Like everyone else I'm torn and imperfect and conflicted- part of me does still like the idea of the "American dream." Part of me wants to grow up into that nice stable life. But I know that I'd never really be happy in it, in fact I'm sure I'd be miserable. I don't want what the world is offering. All I want is grace.
I am restless and naive and unrealistic and utterly ridiculous and crazy and I know that. Trust me, you don't have to tell me anymore, I already know. But that is exactly what I need to be.
It's a slippery slope though, and I'm scared. I'm scared of those days I wake up and say "you know, I just don't have the energy to do this today," and that those sort of days will pile up until I realize that I've given in to the world- I've "grown up" like everyone else. That I've walked away not just from my dreams, but from God's call.
Because really, what is there to look forward to about growing up? I will grow up into another middle class American who goes to a nice little church on Sundays, has a nice house in the suburbs, a nice little family, teaches at a nice suburban school, drives a nice car and has lots of nice little dreams about what life could've been. We'll sit around and reminisce about "the good ol' days" when everything seemed possible. And while we're laughing I'll take a moment to remember how much the world once had to offer, what it felt like when I believed I could change the world before the world beat that out of me and I'll realize I hate what I've become. Of course I'll love my family and (I imagine) still love teaching, but there will be that nagging feeling that this didn't turn out the way it was meant to- that life was meant to be something so much more. And that ultimately, I'd compromised.
Because what I really want is not this world. Like everyone else I'm torn and imperfect and conflicted- part of me does still like the idea of the "American dream." Part of me wants to grow up into that nice stable life. But I know that I'd never really be happy in it, in fact I'm sure I'd be miserable. I don't want what the world is offering. All I want is grace.
I am restless and naive and unrealistic and utterly ridiculous and crazy and I know that. Trust me, you don't have to tell me anymore, I already know. But that is exactly what I need to be.
It's a slippery slope though, and I'm scared. I'm scared of those days I wake up and say "you know, I just don't have the energy to do this today," and that those sort of days will pile up until I realize that I've given in to the world- I've "grown up" like everyone else. That I've walked away not just from my dreams, but from God's call.
16.3.08
Lovers Less Wild
"So could you love this bastard child
though I don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that I would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood"
"Wedding Dress" Derek Webb
Grace is not cheap. And as we move through Holy Week its really easy to think it is, to skip right to Easter-but this grace comes at an unfathomable cost. We don't like to talk about the hard stuff- but this week we need to. This week we have to confront the reality that the grace we live on was bought with the blood of our Savior. Not some metaphorical, abstract blood- the real gory blood. The real agonizing pain. The real tears of Jesus.
For that infinitely expensive grace- what do we give? Do we ever really trust? love? follow?
Do we deserve this grace? I don't.
As much as I'd like to believe otherwise- if I were with Jesus this week, I would've walked away just like the disciples. I want to say that I am better and strong than that- but I know I'm not. I can go to all the church services this week and I can fast, but I will never deserve this grace. I will alway be that bastard child- and every single day that I live I will be the reason for Jesus' death.
though I don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that I would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood"
"Wedding Dress" Derek Webb
Grace is not cheap. And as we move through Holy Week its really easy to think it is, to skip right to Easter-but this grace comes at an unfathomable cost. We don't like to talk about the hard stuff- but this week we need to. This week we have to confront the reality that the grace we live on was bought with the blood of our Savior. Not some metaphorical, abstract blood- the real gory blood. The real agonizing pain. The real tears of Jesus.
For that infinitely expensive grace- what do we give? Do we ever really trust? love? follow?
Do we deserve this grace? I don't.
As much as I'd like to believe otherwise- if I were with Jesus this week, I would've walked away just like the disciples. I want to say that I am better and strong than that- but I know I'm not. I can go to all the church services this week and I can fast, but I will never deserve this grace. I will alway be that bastard child- and every single day that I live I will be the reason for Jesus' death.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
