Being Present

That's the real challenge, isn't it? It's so easy to live in the past or in the future, but to truly live in the present is incredibly challenging. And even when we do manage to live in the present apathy is the next challenge to overcome.

Jesus calls us to be fully present. He calls us to cast all of our regret of the past and worries for the future on Him and simply be in this moment with Him. It's an amazing offer. It's an offer of real life and the presence of God. So the question is, why is it so hard?

Christ meets us exactly where we are. And I am dying to embrace Him, be it in joy or sorrow, wholeness or longing, rebuilding or in being torn down- I want nothing more than to simply spend this moment with Him. So why can't I?

Perhaps

Alright- I'm done being a little brat now. I'm back to being a(n almost) grown up and simply incredibly excited I have this possibility in front of me. Yeah I have absolutely no idea what is in my future and yeah I have to go back to being patient- but I have a real, legitimate chance to go realize my dream. That's pretty darn neat. And I'm pretty darn excited.

I'm also incredibly grateful for the encouragement I've been given today. I love and appreciate them dearly, but all the people I spoke with yesterday were incredibly practical people. And as much as I know that I need practicality- today I need to be the incredibly unrealistic, ridiculously hopeful Annie Mae.

Jen, our youth pastor, brought up a really good point- you pray and then it's done. Then you give thanks because you know God will provide. That's it. So if I'm praying that God shows where I'm being called and where I can serve best this summer if that is in Africa then it's done and I need to trust that.

It's really amazing how provocative (and fitting) the song "Wedding Dress" has been this week.
"So could you love this bastard child
Though I don't trust you to provide"
How can I profess to have faith but not trust in in the Lord to provide? How can I throw myself into serving God if I don't trust where he is leading me? I guess it is time to fall even further into grace, to start truly trusting. It is Holy Week after all- If at any God's plan needed to be trusted, it's this week. Jesus is about to be brutally murdered, but he has to trust that through his death he can conquer death.

Very Funny God

I was prepared for a "no" and hoping for a "yes" but "alternate" never even crossed my mind.

The thing is- I know God is laughing right now. Or, more accurately, he is chuckling because he thinks he's so darn funny.... which he is and I would admit if I weren't too busy being a sore loser.

I've been waiting for weeks to hear back about this Global Justice Volunteers position. I have been trying so hard to be patient (which worked really well until I Friday) but since then I've been driving myself crazy waiting for an answer. As promised I got one- it just happened to be completely inconclusive. But that's such a God thing to do- isn't it? When I run out of patience God gives me an answer, but the answer is to be patient a little longer.

Usually I don't have any problem with uncertainty- actually I usually quite enjoy it. I wonder why this time is so different. Maybe it's because I actually care about this. Maybe it's because I'm scared. Maybe it's some combination of the two. Whatever it is rest assured I will not be resting soundly for quite a while.

So who knows? Three months from now I may blogging from Africa or I may be blogging from this very bed.

For now I'll take this. I realize that suffering and waiting are not nearly the same thing- but for today they are close enough.

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, for we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us."
Romans 5:1-5